Process

I feel so...weird. I never thought I would feel this way in my walk with Jesus. Was it James who told me that to be a Christian was to be out of your comfort zone all the time? That if you were comfortable then something was wrong? Sounds like something he would say...I'm not quite to the uncomfortable level yet...but it's climbing, I think.

I'm definately to the point where "sunday school answers" won't...don't satisfy me. Like everything before now seemed candy coated...and don't ask me why I'm just now coming to this realization. And we all know there's certain things the church won't talk about- for whatever reason- that I want to hear a Christian view on! So many people that I come in contact with won't tell teens what they think or their view because it's not allowed or something like that- and it's mostly Teachers that have that problem, and I know it's for the good of the schools or whatever, but that doesn't make me NOT want to hear their opinion on things that matter.

So to come to church and have them shut me out on things I truly want to learn about angers me. And I want to hear the true answers. Yes, I know I'm not supposed to have sex before marriage, but what steps should/can I take so that won't happen? Suicide is wrong yes, but what makes it wrong? Yes, we're supposed to share our feelings with other Christians, but why should I burden them with my problems and how will that help me? Jesus tells us He will give us abundant life, but How can we live our lives abundantly following Him?

None of these are yes/no questions! And yes, sometimes I may revert to my young years and want an easy answer that's quick, but that's not what I NEED. I guess I'm getting a tad bit fed up with sugar answers and sweet comments. Jesus wasn't like that, so why should the church? Jesus gave the truth- and didn't care about what the price was for it...shouldn't the church be the same?

I'm being stretched...spiritually. I feel like I could go in a million different directions. Could being the main word. There's so many things keeping me from going in all these different directions. All these ooportunties are being opened up to me and I feel so constrained...so young...so sheltered.

I have no idea what to do.

Someone told me last sumemr at camp that this would happen...that I would see a different side to Christianity...different side to Jesus...than what I've been exposed to...than what I've been used to.

How did he know?

How could I have been so stupid not see what he did? Not to believe him? I wonder if this has happened to anyone else.

That's the worst part- I feel like Jesus can't give me a definate answer right now...and that I can't talk to any of my friends because they just plain won't understand.

I feel like crying but I can't. I feel i'm on the edge of breaking...but I'm not. I'm being held together- which I'm sure is only by the mercy of God. I pray that he'll keep holding me together...one day at a time...because I know that's all I'll be able to take.

Wednesdays have been challenging me a lot in the past two weeks. The 12th...James talked about how we as Christians NEED rest to be the best we can be. We can't be expected to work our butts off 24/7 and still have the energy and the patience for things that God wants us to do. That truely made me think- because we live in a fast pace world. No doubting that and there's no need ot list all the things that have a fast pace requirement. Do I have a day where I'm COMPLETELY not doing anything? Including homework, shopping...etc? Not often enough.

Then there was just last wednesday...the 19th...It was interesting. James compared Christians to Diet Coke. (and that's not a complement for anyone)... And Jesus is water. And we as Christians try and try to get filled with Jesus...and Jesus "fills" us to the "brim"...and then all we have is watered down diet coke. Not the best combination. And we wonder why we're not filling filled. We're still thristing and yearning for the Lord...When we haven't completely emptied ourselves. It can't be all Jesus' work here. We have to do something as well...and that's emptiing ourselves so he can fill us with nice, cool water...
So is the glass half empty or half full? Oh that's right...it's empty.

it's sad if you think about it...

I try to have a relationship with my dad...but it hasn't turned out the way I would've hoped...or even liked.

And how many people can truly say they have an awesome relationship with BOTH their parents.

It's icy, right? Well...it was. I thinking about if my parents got into a wreck...and what would happen. The thought of my mom dying brought tears to my eyes...
But my dad...?

How do you love a stranger anyways?

I'm not sure...but I'm managed to do so.

For those of you who have...

Why did you accept Christ?

We've been down to the bottom...when we've hit rock bottom...if you've been there, put your hands in the air and let someone cares...

I got the "new" TobyMac Cd...Welcome to Diverse City. It's awesome- I love it. But a certain song I like not only for it's beat but the message it's getting across. It's talking about how we all have stories. Ugly, hurtful, happy endings, bad endings...we all have them. And while listening to the song, it hit me that if the church could do as the song says- how awesome would that be?

Well...hypothetically the church is supposed to help a fellow "brother/sister in Christ" out...that we're supposed to be there and encourage and do NOTHING to bring them down in any way. But I wonder if the "do's" turned into "supposed to's"...in any situation, any church. Any age group.

Me being 16 and in the youth, this song obviously made me think about my youth group. Are we this way? Are we striving towards this? Are we even making this a goal? To have someone in the youth tell everyone their problem, and then have the people who've experienced the same thing, actually raise their hands and tell their experiences...

How AWESOME would that be? I mean seriously! To have any group in your church so unified that they've not embarressed about their stories and personal experiences, and they aren't shy to share them with each other, knowing that someone, somewhere in the crowd could relate.

I've been there too...and the greatest lie you've ever been told is that you're the only one to ever walk on this road...we came together to say, Hold On. Cause we've been there and found our way home...you're not on your own...God will see us all through...

I'm spilling out my thoughts
You're spilling out your guts

"All that's worth dying for is already dead"
An empty religion you've learned to accept
When nothing means everything, your
daily routine
You go through the motions like a
helpless machine

When the answers to everything are right
in your hands
You lose your conviction, but you can't
help standing
On the one thing that held you for so
many years

"what do they choose, these soul who go back (I have yet seen no other)? And how can they choose it?"
"Milton was right" says my Teacher, "The choise of every lost soul can be expressed in the words, 'better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.' There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery. There is always something they prefer to joy- that is, to reality. You see it easily enough in a spoiled child that would sooner miss its play and its supper than say it was sorry and be friends. You call it the Sulks. But in adult life is has a hundred fine names- ...Self-Respect and Tragic Greatness and Proper Pride."
"Then is no one lost through the undignifed vices, Sir? Through mere sensuality?"
"Some are, no doubt. The sensualist, I'll allow you, begins by pursuing a real pleasrure, through a small one. His sin is the less. But teh time comes on when, though the pleasure becomes less and less and the cracing fiercer and fiercer, and the though he knows that joy can never come that way, yet he prefers to joy in the mere fondling of unappeasable ust and would not have it taken from him. He'd fight to the death to keep it. He'd like well to be able to scratch; but even when he can scratch no more he'd rather itch than not."

Happy bloody new year. I honestly don't see the big deal in...well...making the new year a big deal. Making it a time of reflection and seeting new goals...seems like a waste of time. Why can't march 4th be a time of reflection? I mean, I understand WHY New years is a reflectiond ate or whatever...because it's easier. *sigh* I guess I don't work like that. When something gets screwed up or screwed over in my life...then I think about it...which leads me to thinking about all my past mistakes. Which I guess is a "new year" for me. Which means, i have a new year about every...two months...

So here's to 2005...and the six new years to come.